in the midst of changing major areas of my life, i am finding out what i am made of. i feel like this year has asked me to call forth more of myself, even more than i thought was there. in a way this makes me feel depressed because i want to be my definition of amazing now! and changing jobs/preparing to move/body stuff/relationships etc has made me realize that i am not so special after all. no more special than the truth of where i am. and that to me is the hardest part of being honest with myself.
sometimes i get these fantasies that i am somewhere else, and that my life is already what i dream it to be. while in reality, i am here and needing to take the action to create my dreams. while i don’t ever want to give up the part of myself that dreams, i do want to be able to see clearly, what my favorite yoga teacher calls the truth of the shape.
it’s hard to see that i am where i am. that i need to grow and change and that i am not already a visionary entrepreneur. that i am still feeling so far away from ever having the life that i see myself having. i don’t want to feel the pain of knowing that i got myself here. at the same time, there is a quiet knowing that i am right where i am supposed to be and that without these feelings i would never change. these feelings are guides pointing me in a new direction. a direction unknown, exciting and scary.
it’s also calling forth a part of myself that i have hidden away. a part that has needed to come out and be integrated into my being. the fearless, take charge, do WHATEVER IT TAKES girl. the girl who goes for what she wants and when things don’t work out as planned, she comes up with another plan and goes for it.
so this is where i am at right now, in this moment. fully embracing what is up for me. not giving into the resistance. allowing.